Erika: Today it changes!
Not my nickname, but my energy levels.
We used to have football supporters traveling with the ferry to go and watch Premiere League, and even they called me Miss Sunshine. My laughter, my smile and my happy eyes are my signum, in a way. When I was younger, even more so. Over the last few years I’ve kind of lost that, in private, due to circumstances I’ll tell you all about some other time. When I met Eric, he brought that happy smiley girl back and made me realise that she still exists, outside work and social environments. And oh my how I’ve missed her!
Today, as I said, it changes. I won’t let her go again, that happy girl. I want her back, and it’s all about how I choose to move on from today. I believe that you can tell your brain what and how to think, and even how to react to things. (Almost in the same way you can affect others into thinking the way you want them to think, only by choosing the right words, or body language.) But of course not in a way that makes you suppress your true feelings. Those you have to work with. Yes, it’s an inner struggle, but one you can win! I don’t do this, but they say if you smile before you look in the mirror in the morning, your brain will see that smile and believe that you are happy. Small methods can help.
But the problem is that I close up, forget to eat, lose my energy, turn down invitations and stay at home (except for when going to work that is). I know it’s me trying to fix myself, but that’s how I’ve done it over the last couple of years without getting that happy Erika back. So this time, I’m going to do the opposite. And it will need my full attention. Game is on, brain!
The first thing that happens when I feel a bit blue, is that I lose weight. I simply forget to eat. I’m 5.9″ (176cm) tall (with exactly one meter long legs if you would ever need to measure a meter 🙂 ) and my normal weight is about 10.2 stones (65kg). As soon as I feel a bit down my weight drops to below 9.4 stones (less than 60kg) and that’s where I’m at now.
I went to the gym today and had an hour with my PT for the first time in two months. My thought was, now when I’ve lost weight, to at least gain in muscles. Which also means I have to concentrate on eating, and eating well. I felt like shit and almost fainted after the gym because I’ve become so weak over the last week, and that got me thinking. If your body isn’t happy, your mind won’t be happy either.
I’m normally a good eater, almost a bit too good at times. I love food and I can eat a lot without gaining too much, but I don’t cook. I like it, but I never take the time. But now I have to. To be able to gain muscles, and energy, I need to eat properly. So I’m going to start there.
Next week’s mission is to schedule when and what to eat, and with that get my energy levels back up. I’m slowly going to ease into my gym exercises, classes and hot yoga, so I don’t get obsessed like I normally do. This next week, I’ll start with the gym. I’m going to write post-its all over my apartment that will remind me of/tell me things like:
- A new day, new possibilities
- You can do this
- Let me see that smile
- You are strong
- You are beautiful
- Don’t forget to eat
- Focus towards the future
- Keep your goals in sight
and so on. This is not only about Eric, but also about me and all the changes in my life I now have to tackle on my own. I’ve never really believed in myself, but I simply just have to start. As you can see, I have a lot on my plate to deal with. But one thing at a time. Body happy – mind happy!
Current weight: 9.2 stones (58kg)