Did I get the title wrong?
This post will sound really depressing and maybe a bit harsh, but it’s really not. In this age of time, everyone’s life is full of happiness and success and love and activities and all sorts of positives. It’s not appropriate to share your bad days. “Maybe you won’t get as many likes” if you do! But I did have a bit of a low week this week. And I am going to tell people that I had a bit of a low week. Not that there’s a lot to talk about, because it’s really only about me being scared of what the future holds. But it drags you down nevertheless. I’m not 22 years old anymore and time flies, and fast as well, so I’m allowed to feel a bit down about things from time to time. Things could have been so different…
No, that’s actually how the week started, as the title says. I came home from London last Sunday night, on a flight that was two hours delayed, so I didn’t get much sleep. Then on Monday when I woke up, it just hit me. The loneliness. It’s just me, myself and I now, and it’s quite hard to be honest. Not at all times, of course, but not having someone to share the joys with (and the dresses you’ve bought) or to tell about your day makes me close up instead of go out and be around people. On the surface I’m always the smiley “everything is fine” kind of person. If I choose to not let anyone know I’m feeling down, or even being angry, no one will ever know. This week has been a feeling down week. But getting flowers sent to me, again, this week cheered me up a little 🙂
As I’ve said before, it’s all about how you choose to see things. You make the decision about how you want to deal with things. If you don’t want to fight that brain of yours, then go ahead. If you want to keep feeling down, then go ahead. If you don’t even want to try to see the good things in all the bad, then go ahead. If you choose to wake up in the morning and tell your reflection in the mirror what a miserable unhappy loser you are, then fine, go ahead. But I won’t! I know that’s a game I don’t want to lose to my brain.
I choose happiness every day of the week. I choose to smile to strangers, because maybe that’s just what that person needs at that exact moment, or what you need yourself. I choose to learn from my mistakes and turn them into something positive. I choose to learn from all the hard times I’ve gone through and turn them into strength. And trust me, there has been more than plenty of those tough times!
Yes, I accept my bad days but only if they are followed by the good ones. And if they’re not, it’s up to me to go and find them.
I know this sounds like I’m really stubborn, and maybe a bit cold, but I’m not. And it might be that you think this is about my heartbreak, but it’s not that either. I miss Eric, of course I do. But I asked myself two simple questions the other week:
- Was he good for me?
- Is he good for me?
Two questions that’s really easy to have with you, and especially when your brain starts to make you believe that another person is more important than yourself. In a “don’t leave me, I’ll die” kind of way. That’s never true, even though that’s how it feels just when it happens. I would say it’s more about the expectations we have for the future that gets pulled away, the bubble breaks, that makes us feel we need that other person more than we actually do. If there is no love, if a relationship comes to an end, be sad about it but don’t fight it. If the other person has said “no, thanks”, just try and except it. See the good things in what has been and what you’ve had, but also remember that it’s never good to only stay in the past, to keep your mind healthy. So why walk around feeling sad about it? Whatever happens in life, you still have a life to live.
I am a bit lost with all the life changes that I’ve made over the last half year, but that’s not unusual. I still have a lot to figure out about me. When did I lose myself, and where did old me go? I saw glimpses of her in the end of last year and I just need to get her back on track. Of course that won’t happen over night. Plus starting up a new life from scratch on top of that. I need my own apartment soon because the one I’m in is too big and too expensive for a student. I want a car, but I won’t get one because I am a student. I need to buy furniture because I lost it all in my divorce (let’s call it that, and it’s not about Eric by the way). Talking about Eric again… With Eric, I was supposed to do all of this. Together. He was supposed to be my rock and shoulder to lean on. But things change. Life change.
Recharge and move on.
I was talking with one of my oldest friends on the phone today. For TWO HOURS! We started talking about old memories and how we used to be when we were younger. I can hardly remember myself, except from being shy, standing in the background and feeling that I never fitted in anywhere. My friend started laughing and told me how funny that was, because it was the total opposite. It was a real eyeopener to hear, and I have heard it a few times over the last few weeks, and years actually, from different people, how people actually see me. I guess it’s not really something you normally ask people about or talk about, not even with friends, but it was a bit of an awakening for me. Maybe it’s time for me to actually believe in what they say and start using it to my advantage. That’s a challenge, let me tell you that. But what do I have to lose! 🙂 I have goals and I’m going to make a structured plan of how to get there.
This is what my friend, and others, have told me about me:
- You are clever
- Don’t “date down” (meaning I should respect myself more ish)
- People just want to be around you
- You are funny, intelligent, beautiful and you have so much to give
- People respect you, look up to you and listen to you
- You’re always in the centre of attention (which I don’t really like, so that’s a bit funny)
- Everyone turns around when you walk into a room (also funny, because I like to sit in the back of the room not being seen)
- You were the one who made the decisions (between friends, if no one could decide)
- Your home was what we all felt as the most natural place to meet up at
I think I need to start to see and use some of that… 🙂