Two weeks into the new year and, it could really have been any two weeks of any year but, I feel hopeful. And do I dare to say it… Happy. It’s funny how it on the 1st of January every year feels like a new start and a new me. Maybe not on the 1st though, or even the 2nd of January, but you know what I mean.
2017 has been a year to remember. For sure! Both for the good and the bad. I made so many, and big, life changes and I can hardly get around it, or believe that I took the steps that I did. I used to say that I can take a risk, as long as it’s a safe risk. Which makes no sense, I know, because a safe risk is no risk. But this last year I really have tried it, taking risks, and it’s been a rollercoaster to say the least but I pulled through. I’ve got slapped in the face, climbed new mountains and got my heart broken. I’ve found myself and lost myself again. I’ve been up on a fluffy cloud and I’ve hit rock bottom. I’ve been focused, derailed and I’ve gotten back up in the saddle. And a week before Christmas, my grandmother passed away. My rock. My strength.
I ended the year with a Spanish New Year, in Malmö, and had twelve grapes at midnight. And instead of the classic glass of bubbles in my hand I was drinking Rom & Coke the whole night, which hasn’t ever been my drink but I really like it actually. Before I went to bed that night (early morning more..) someone played One More Light with Linkin Park, and that song ended my 2017 and took me into the new year, 2018, with an open and humble mind and heart.
Today is the first day in a very long time where I feel satisfied. Satisfied with choices and risks I’ve made and taken. Satisfied with where I’m at in life, and knowing only time will tell the future. I feel at ease.
Maybe it’s because I’m back at working full time, even though continuing my studies. I have always been independent and earned my own money, and it’s important to me. Not only because I’m “a bit” of a shopaholic or wanting to be as independent as can be, but also because I’m a competitive person and have put up a goal for my saving account. It’s not only the goal, I also have rules for that account. It’s not like I live a life without spending money, because I do. And on really stupid things at times. Like the other day when I was running late for the gym and my PT, I took a taxi. The walk there is only fifteen minutes (with my one meter legs I might add)! And I spend money on having a PT, because I enjoy it. But I wouldn’t spend money I don’t have. So, the rules for my saving account? An example: If I have saved 10.000 of whatever currency, I put a “do not touch” block on them. Then, everything in between 10.000 and 15.000 I’m allowed to touch if needed, but as soon as I then reach 15.000 I put the block on them. And then it’s the same between 15.000 and 20.000 and so on. If I have the block on 15.000 and that’s all I have in the account, but really need money, I can borrow money from the saving account. The block stays at 15.000 though, which means I’m in dept to myself and my life kind of stops until the money is back up at 15.000. Depending on the amount I’ve borrowed, I give it one to three months until it has to be back on the account, compared to the money I’m allowed to touch that doesn’t have a pay back day limit. Maybe me being able to reach my saving goals is why I feel at ease or…
Maybe it’s because I’m moving and finally getting “my own place”. Since I separated from my ex boyfriend a year ago, I have lived in one of my uncle’s apartments. On my own, but it hasn’t been a first hand contract or my furniture. On the other hand, I don’t own any furniture because I “lost” it all in the “divorce”. But now I’m just so excited to get my own place and make it into my place, a home. And what also excites me is that I won’t live as central as I do now. Strange one might think, but for me that means I “have” to buy a car. And driving is one of my big joys in life! It’s silly really, because where I’m moving to is still considered as central, and the walk to my gym will be twenty five minutes instead of fifteen. Good enough of an excuse to me! Maybe that is the reason I feel at ease or…
Maybe… Maybe it’s only as simple as I’ve managed my deadlines for school and that stressful feeling of not being done has left my body.
There are still things on my to-do-list that I have to achieve to get me total satisfaction, and I won’t stop until I’m done! And two weeks into 2018, I can feel it coming. I’m finding my way. My own way! And my 99.5 year old (yes we’re doing the “.5”) grandmother and her wise words will always be in the back of my head while finding it. She had class and integrity. She was fair but firm and determinate. She was strong and had a place in her heart for everyone. She meant the world to me, and I could only wish to be half of what she was.